Dear Sis…

The Courage to be Yourself.

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I feel like that statement is so loaded because my first thought is … Wait it takes courage to be yourself? For some, yes. For me and I believe many others, letting people see who we really are can be very scary. Ultimately the motivation for not being your true self comes down to wanting to fit in. Like mentioned in Dear Sis… you want to fit in because if you stuck out, more than likely you would get bullied, and no one is signing up for that. More than likely you weren’t thinking about how to hide your own characteristics but instead making it a priority to be and participate in things we deemed to be cool. When I was in school the things that made a person cool was their clothing, hair, extra curricular activities(sports) and how attractive you are.

On the flip side you know there are some things that you think twice about sharing. For me it was talking about how I enjoyed sci-fi movies and/or t.v. shows, going to theater to see musical plays, or watching meteor shows with my dad. One mention of that or hanging out with the people who shared the same interests would’ve given me the title of dork and the cool girls wouldn’t want to hang with me or the boys wouldn’t think I was cute, concluding that if I wasn’t apart of the cool crew than the trajectory of my life would suck. I know it was stupid and I would like to say that was a thought process that I had only in high school but it actually followed me all the way through graduate school into young adulthood.

I wanted to be liked and proof of that was having a host of friends. Gaining friends meant having similarities and comparable experiences, so fitting in to make that possible was priority. For me, having tons of friends meant that I was a “good” person and it solidified who I was as person and how I was perceived by others. Me wanting to be perceived as a “good” person spilled into my ability to move on from a toxic relationship. I got so caught up in why this person did not want me, why couldn’t they put in the same amount of effort as I did to make the relationship work? My thought was that I did everything I could to be a great girlfriend i.e. look pretty, have a fun personality, enjoy traveling, being funny, buying great gifts, have sex, not making him pay for everything, cooking and cleaning. I was all of that and he still did not want me and I was just troubled as to why not? Even with my girlfriends, I wanted to make sure I was invited on the fun girl trips, or dinner dates, or parties and when I wasn’t extended those invites it kind of… (let’s be real) it made feel bad about myself like I wasn’t cool enough to be invited.

After a years of not being invited or having a solidified “girl clique”, therapy, oh also pure exhaustion of trying to fit in, I finally realized that, “Hey girl, everyone is not going to like you and it’s not because you are bad or unlikeable person, you just not for everyone.” I had to put away what I thought was deemed as “cool” or “successful” and just focus on the people who do like me and extend the invites to get together. Trust me the quicker you get to know this, the better off you will be, plus it just feels better being yourself and not what you think others want you to be.

Love AJR

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